Post by Reno on Dec 3, 2009 23:13:23 GMT -5
This thread is where you can review pretty much everything. I'll probably be doing most of the reviewing since I have nothing better to do and I was actually going to call it Reno's Reviews but I figured I should not be a selfish bastard and let the rest of you guys review things too....you know like games, movies, tv shows, books, whatever. There's just one rule here, do not slam somebody just because they reviewed negatively on something you like. Everybody has different opinions. Get used to it. And try to keep the comments to a minimum. I'd like this thread to be reviews only.
Anyways I'll get the ball rolling with a movie that has been pissing me off for two years. Transformers.
Yeah the movie came out in 2007 and there's a sequel out right now but honestly after seeing this fucking thing I really don't want to see it. Plus I've heard the sequel has even MORE stereotypes in it. Hoo Boy.
Okay as you all know Transformers is a franchise based on giant robots that turn into cars and beat the shit out of each other. That's what you expect going into the movie right? Well you're wrong...kind of. You get to see giant robots beating the shit out of each other but you have to wait about two hours for that to actually happen. Instead you're introduced to a bunch of human characters. Why? How the hell should I know. From what I remember of the show the humans were minor characters.
Okay lets start with Sam Witwicky played by Shia LeBeouf. The character is based on Spike Witwicky from the cartoon. He's this nerdy kid that nobody really seems to like. He's got the hots for that trashy looking skank Megan Fox. I don't even remember what her character's name is but she's a fucking batshit actress so I don't really care. Maybe I'm just being too harsh since I know girls that actually look similar to her and they're total sluts. But anyways I'm not getting into that.
You've got the marine characters who, from what I remember, are the first stereotypes you see. You got the white guy who is normal from what I remember(I'm actually going to slam this guy later on), the hispanic guy who just yells out shit in spanish, and the black guy who is like, "yo yo grape soda watermelon bitch!" I'm actually unsure about that last part but it's probably true.
Anthony Anderson makes an appearance to replay the role he's played in all his fucking movies. A loud obnoxious fat black guy who lives with his parents. He's a hacker or something. Then there's an Australian (I think) hacker who is pretty much useless to the overall plot because she accomplishes nothing. Then there's the president played by Jon Voight. He can't do anything too, he's just there.
Okay after about an hour of Marines blasting at a scorpion decepticon, Shia's parents telling him about masturbation, Shia bailing on his only friend for the town slut, the boom box decepticon breaking into the government, and Megan showing her disgusting body off, the autobots finally arrive. There's Prime of course played by the awesomely good Peter Cullen from the cartoon. Then there's Bumblebee who for some fucking stupid ass reason can only speak using shit he picks up on radio waves, Jazz who is a breakdancing robot who is obviously a stereotype of black people(and I'll say this now, Jazz dies. You might as well just gotten Sam Jackson to voice this fucking thing), Ironhide who pretty much just acts like Dirty Harry or some other Clint Eastwood character. I can't even remember if there were any other Autobots.
Now I thought the human characters were stupid(and believe me they are) but the autobots are even stupider. It's like every fucking movie that has Spielberg attached to it has to have imbecile aliens. Why? If they have enough intelligence to travel the universe why are they tripping on power lines? And, I kid you not, pissing or rather lubricating on government officials. Goddammit. Now that's just fucking retarded.
Now I just wanna make a comment here about Shia LeDouchbag....he plays the exact same fucker in every single movie he's in. I watched that Rear Window "Remake" Disturbia and I honestly thought it was a prequel to this movie.
I'll go into the plot now. I could seriously rip these characters apart forever but it's actually starting to hurt to think about them so much. Anyways okay basically what's going on in this movie is that the Autobots and Decepticons raged war on their planet Cybertron and lost something called the Allspark so now they're both looking for it. The Allspark is this cube thing that pretty much gives life to the Transformers. I'm pretty sure that I fucked up the plot but it really is something simple like that. I can't watch a movie that's about two hours long and have a shitty simple plot like that.
To skip ahead Sam's grandfather found the Allspark and Megatron in the arctic. Then the government took them away. Okay why was Megatron frozen in the first place? And for some reason they're both at the Hoover Dam. Eventually everybody starts to get nervous since the Decepticons are on their way to reclaim Megatron and the Allspark. Now this is where I almost got up and yelled in the movie theater. The white marine guy says, "Hey lets hide the thing in the city!" to which Mr. President Jon Voight says, "GREAT IDEA!" Really? You're going to hide a cube that's being hunted by giant fucking death bots in the middle of a heavily populated city?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! That's like saying, "Hey let's test out the newest atomic bomb in New York!" There's a desert nearby! USE IT! Or wait does everybody think that America's security can really stop these things? Some balls. I also seem to recall in Dragon ball Z that Goku always said, "Lets take this fight outside the city so nobody will get hurt!" The fuckers in this movie say the exact opposite. Are they seriously dumber than a character who was raised in the wilderness and has had no form of education at all?!
I'm pretty sure I fucked that last part up since it's been two years since I've seen this abortion of a movie but I know they decided to hide that thing in the city and the president just went along with it like a fucking idiot. It's at this point that the robots all start beating the shit out of each other, which is what you wanted to see two fucking hours ago! There's just one problem. They all look the fucking same! Especially with Megatron and Starscream, you can not tell with one is which. You can only tell who Prime and Bumblebee are. Seriously. They are the only ones with some actual color. All the rest have this gray metallic look going on.
All the transformers are fighting but you can't tell what's happening! And Prime, like a dumbass(I seriously tried to believe he was actually smart in this movie but he's not.) doesn't even use his sword to fuck up Megatron. This is like watching Power Rangers again. They wait so fucking long and then they finally remember, "OH YEAH! I HAVE A SWORD THAT USUALLY KILLS EVERYTHING!"
Eventually the decepticons are defeated...I think. I don't remember the end at all except for that lame ass Linkin Park song. Okay that's really vague since all of Linkin Park's songs are lame but you know the one. I seriously can't remember how the movie ends, I was probably too busy coughing up blood from having to watch this thing from beginning to end and still have another long as fuck movie to go to(Pirates 3). I should've known this movie would be god awful, what with the obvious clue of "A Michael Bay film" but I thought, "He couldn't possibly fuck up transformers that badly, could he?" I was wrong. It is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
If you have a chance to see this or any other Michael Bay movie then don't. Roll the fuck out and go see something else.
(I will admit this review is not very well done. Whenever I get to Metal Gear that will be better. And yeah I have good and bad things to say about those games.)
Anyways I'll get the ball rolling with a movie that has been pissing me off for two years. Transformers.
Yeah the movie came out in 2007 and there's a sequel out right now but honestly after seeing this fucking thing I really don't want to see it. Plus I've heard the sequel has even MORE stereotypes in it. Hoo Boy.
Okay as you all know Transformers is a franchise based on giant robots that turn into cars and beat the shit out of each other. That's what you expect going into the movie right? Well you're wrong...kind of. You get to see giant robots beating the shit out of each other but you have to wait about two hours for that to actually happen. Instead you're introduced to a bunch of human characters. Why? How the hell should I know. From what I remember of the show the humans were minor characters.
Okay lets start with Sam Witwicky played by Shia LeBeouf. The character is based on Spike Witwicky from the cartoon. He's this nerdy kid that nobody really seems to like. He's got the hots for that trashy looking skank Megan Fox. I don't even remember what her character's name is but she's a fucking batshit actress so I don't really care. Maybe I'm just being too harsh since I know girls that actually look similar to her and they're total sluts. But anyways I'm not getting into that.
You've got the marine characters who, from what I remember, are the first stereotypes you see. You got the white guy who is normal from what I remember(I'm actually going to slam this guy later on), the hispanic guy who just yells out shit in spanish, and the black guy who is like, "yo yo grape soda watermelon bitch!" I'm actually unsure about that last part but it's probably true.
Anthony Anderson makes an appearance to replay the role he's played in all his fucking movies. A loud obnoxious fat black guy who lives with his parents. He's a hacker or something. Then there's an Australian (I think) hacker who is pretty much useless to the overall plot because she accomplishes nothing. Then there's the president played by Jon Voight. He can't do anything too, he's just there.
Okay after about an hour of Marines blasting at a scorpion decepticon, Shia's parents telling him about masturbation, Shia bailing on his only friend for the town slut, the boom box decepticon breaking into the government, and Megan showing her disgusting body off, the autobots finally arrive. There's Prime of course played by the awesomely good Peter Cullen from the cartoon. Then there's Bumblebee who for some fucking stupid ass reason can only speak using shit he picks up on radio waves, Jazz who is a breakdancing robot who is obviously a stereotype of black people(and I'll say this now, Jazz dies. You might as well just gotten Sam Jackson to voice this fucking thing), Ironhide who pretty much just acts like Dirty Harry or some other Clint Eastwood character. I can't even remember if there were any other Autobots.
Now I thought the human characters were stupid(and believe me they are) but the autobots are even stupider. It's like every fucking movie that has Spielberg attached to it has to have imbecile aliens. Why? If they have enough intelligence to travel the universe why are they tripping on power lines? And, I kid you not, pissing or rather lubricating on government officials. Goddammit. Now that's just fucking retarded.
Now I just wanna make a comment here about Shia LeDouchbag....he plays the exact same fucker in every single movie he's in. I watched that Rear Window "Remake" Disturbia and I honestly thought it was a prequel to this movie.
I'll go into the plot now. I could seriously rip these characters apart forever but it's actually starting to hurt to think about them so much. Anyways okay basically what's going on in this movie is that the Autobots and Decepticons raged war on their planet Cybertron and lost something called the Allspark so now they're both looking for it. The Allspark is this cube thing that pretty much gives life to the Transformers. I'm pretty sure that I fucked up the plot but it really is something simple like that. I can't watch a movie that's about two hours long and have a shitty simple plot like that.
To skip ahead Sam's grandfather found the Allspark and Megatron in the arctic. Then the government took them away. Okay why was Megatron frozen in the first place? And for some reason they're both at the Hoover Dam. Eventually everybody starts to get nervous since the Decepticons are on their way to reclaim Megatron and the Allspark. Now this is where I almost got up and yelled in the movie theater. The white marine guy says, "Hey lets hide the thing in the city!" to which Mr. President Jon Voight says, "GREAT IDEA!" Really? You're going to hide a cube that's being hunted by giant fucking death bots in the middle of a heavily populated city?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! That's like saying, "Hey let's test out the newest atomic bomb in New York!" There's a desert nearby! USE IT! Or wait does everybody think that America's security can really stop these things? Some balls. I also seem to recall in Dragon ball Z that Goku always said, "Lets take this fight outside the city so nobody will get hurt!" The fuckers in this movie say the exact opposite. Are they seriously dumber than a character who was raised in the wilderness and has had no form of education at all?!
I'm pretty sure I fucked that last part up since it's been two years since I've seen this abortion of a movie but I know they decided to hide that thing in the city and the president just went along with it like a fucking idiot. It's at this point that the robots all start beating the shit out of each other, which is what you wanted to see two fucking hours ago! There's just one problem. They all look the fucking same! Especially with Megatron and Starscream, you can not tell with one is which. You can only tell who Prime and Bumblebee are. Seriously. They are the only ones with some actual color. All the rest have this gray metallic look going on.
All the transformers are fighting but you can't tell what's happening! And Prime, like a dumbass(I seriously tried to believe he was actually smart in this movie but he's not.) doesn't even use his sword to fuck up Megatron. This is like watching Power Rangers again. They wait so fucking long and then they finally remember, "OH YEAH! I HAVE A SWORD THAT USUALLY KILLS EVERYTHING!"
Eventually the decepticons are defeated...I think. I don't remember the end at all except for that lame ass Linkin Park song. Okay that's really vague since all of Linkin Park's songs are lame but you know the one. I seriously can't remember how the movie ends, I was probably too busy coughing up blood from having to watch this thing from beginning to end and still have another long as fuck movie to go to(Pirates 3). I should've known this movie would be god awful, what with the obvious clue of "A Michael Bay film" but I thought, "He couldn't possibly fuck up transformers that badly, could he?" I was wrong. It is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
If you have a chance to see this or any other Michael Bay movie then don't. Roll the fuck out and go see something else.
(I will admit this review is not very well done. Whenever I get to Metal Gear that will be better. And yeah I have good and bad things to say about those games.)