Post by Reno on Jun 9, 2019 19:03:11 GMT -5
Why Aeris should've been the main character (And also gay and black)
So with the Final Fantasy 7 remake in the news lately, ever since Square decided to finally show something again, (Square: YOU STILL REMEMBER THIS, RIGHT?!) I've been thinking about this game lot. I've been blaring the soundtrack, I've been imagining what the motorcycle segment will be like, I've been wondering how different the materia system will be, and also I've been thinking about how this game is sexist, racist, and homophobic and why Aeris being the main character would alleviate these maladies.
We all know the major spoilers, right? Aeris dies. Everybody cried. EVERYBODY. My mom cried. My friend cried. My cat cried. My neighbors cried. Even people that know nothing about the game cried. I broadcasted the death scene via radio waves and when those waves find intelligent alien life (NOT ILLEGAL ALIENS) they'll cry too. The problem with her death is not that it's the most heartbreaking thing ever to have happened in the entire world, (Remember 9/11? Fuck that. Remember Aeris '97) it's that her death occurs halfway through the narrative yet she's the one who stops the major crisis of the game. She stops A GIANT METEOR. See, the meteor is symbolic of a baby and man's forceful ways (AKA THE PATRIARCHY).
Sephiroth and The Shin-Ra by extension are beautiful metaphors for THE PATRIARCHY and how men ruin everything. (I'm a male feminist btw. I'm totally on your side ladies. I won't do anything creepy, I swear. Nothing. Ever. NOPE.) The meteor is something that only Sephiroth wants and he pushes it on everybody mainly The planet. Aeris is really the only person who seems to know what Sephiroth's doing and therefore goes to The City of the Ancients to stop him. At that time...she dies. Killed by Sephiroth.(I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW) It's only after her death that the meteor is summoned. Notice how Sephiroth stabs Aeris through the lower stomach near her womb? It's symbolic of him pushing the baby out of her, thus meteor. The meteor is like the child The Planet didn't want to have, Aeris is planned parenthood, and Sephiroth is The Republican party. (Also note that Shin-Ra = Donald Drumpf aka Literally Hitler aka The Devil aka Satan's bleach blonde asshole.)
It's here that the second disk begins and holy fuck does the game suck dick at this point. (There's nothing wrong with sucking dick by the way especially if it's done in a gay way. Do it. It's June. Fuck Chick-Fil-A.) Much of the second disk is centered around the party trying to figure out how to stop Meteor, stop Sephiroth, and stop the world from being depressed because somebody didn't want to abort that baby (Metaphorically speaking). However, TOO much time is spent on Cloud and his existential crisis of realizing that he's been cosplaying as a much better character, Zack, this whole time. What really bothers me in the scenes where Cloud is comatose from his lifestream bath is that Tifa is the one who helps him. They fall into the lifestream and thus begins a painful sequence of Cloud bitching and moaning about his past and how Zack is so much cooler (I want to suck him off). They're in the lifestream yet Aeris doesn't make an appearance? Why not?! She died (STILL. CRYING.) and returned to the planet! But nooo it has to be Tifa!
Here's where I'm going to go into a tirade about why Tifa is the worst FF character and why everybody is mentally challenged (We don't say the R-word folks. That's a no no word. You should go to jail for saying it. See also: THE N-WORD. Oooooo!) for liking her so much. Tifa is probably the biggest bozo and cocktease in the entire Final Fantasy series. She leads on Cloud all the time, wears tight, skimpy clothing to show off her body. She tries to show some modesty I guess by wearing suspenders but I mean c'mon bitch your clothes are super tight around your giant tits (Implants) and ass (Probably also implants) you really need those to keep them on? Also, she calls Barret the R-word when they're climbing the Shin-Ra building (Don't use the R-word at home. It's bad. As stated above. Ooooo!) and there's no excuse for using that word. EVER. You're a trash person for using it and so is Tifa. Also Cloud is totally gay for Barret, however, because the game is Japanese and didn't come out in CURRENT YEAR that aspect of his character is more ambiguous than it should be and gives the implication that Cloud wants to go the bone zone with Tifa. (The PS4 and steam achievements of the game have one for going on a date with Barret. Achievements = Canon.) She's nothing but a whore. An attention whore. Her act of caring for others is nothing more than a charade for wanting attention from somebody because she never got her hero in armor when she needed it most. She desperately clings onto who ever will give her attention, even kids (In Advent Children it's implied that she's a pedophile). What's funny is her whore-mongering is not self-contained. She is frequently quoted as many gamers' first "game crush" (Mine was Impa from Ocarina of Time) with many of them saying their favorite semen encrusted body pillow is Tifa (Cocktease) Lockhart.
Tirade aside, the lifestream segment would have been beautiful with Aeris instead. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, Cloud is totally gay. 100% And this is where Aeris' sexuality would come into focus as well. It would have been such a beautiful moment where both characters realize they are homosexual and begin to process this realization. Cloud goes on about how he felt great dressing as a woman and thinking about being in a relationship with Barret. A relationship where he would be a "housewife" to Barret, taking care of Marlene. It would also help ease the confusion Marlene would have at not being the same color as her "Dad" (Barret murdered her real dad in a awful display of toxic masculinity) and help her not to become disillusioned later in life and culturally appropriating black culture. Getting back to Aeris, she would come to terms with her sexual attraction to women, and to say fuck it to the patriarchy she would untie her hair, cut it, and then dye it blue. Then her and Cloud, confident in their newfound sexualality, (Because where you want to stick your dick/lady bits is a more important character trait than a real personality. IT'S SO FUCKING BRAVE! See also: Best character in Dragon Age: Dorian.) erupt from the lifestream with the rainbow behind them.
This is where the second disc would be fixed. Instead of Cloud or Cid (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THIS CHAUVINISTIC FUCK) being the leader it would blue haired Aeris spreading hope throughout the world and chanting, "THE FUTURE IS FEMALE!". I'd have it so the Turks would have a bigger part, mostly for Elena. Elena would think Aeris looks hot and they would discover feelings for each other and then scissor. (You think Aeris would shack up with Tifa? That human pile of GARBAGE?) Elena would become a new party member so you could have an all female party (In case you didn't get Yuffie aka Female Naruto aka Jailbait aka I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 16 STOP BEATING ME OFFICER). Then for the final assault Aeris would be the the one to say let's mosey and they defeat Sephiroth thus being able to unleash holy from the Northern Vaginal Crater. Women save the world AGAIN from evil men as how every story should be. (Seriously. Male feminist here. I'm really, totally, absolutely, 100% on your side. Not saying any of this to score points for pussy. Nope. Not at all.)
So as you can see this is but a glimpse of why Aeris as the main character would make this a stronger narrative. Cloud is a weak main character (Also a guy. Ugh. MALE FEMINIST BTW.) but I like the subtle gay undertones his character has that I'm totally not reaching for at all. I mean c'mon how many main characters in Final Fantasy are women? Lightning? Terra? Uhh...yeah see! Barely any! Don't get me started on Final Fantasy 12 and how it's bullshit that Vaan STOLE the main character position from Ashe. That is the most sexist game in the whole series and I refuse to play it. Anyways, this has been my very real, not sarcastic and satirical hot take.
Oh yeah and Aeris should be black because there aren't enough blacks in Final Fantasy and all ancient people came from Africa and Aeris is an ancient so therefore the game must imitate real life so she should be black or something. I dunno. I don't care to go through the mental gymnastics to make that one work. Fuck it. I'm getting drunk.
So with the Final Fantasy 7 remake in the news lately, ever since Square decided to finally show something again, (Square: YOU STILL REMEMBER THIS, RIGHT?!) I've been thinking about this game lot. I've been blaring the soundtrack, I've been imagining what the motorcycle segment will be like, I've been wondering how different the materia system will be, and also I've been thinking about how this game is sexist, racist, and homophobic and why Aeris being the main character would alleviate these maladies.
We all know the major spoilers, right? Aeris dies. Everybody cried. EVERYBODY. My mom cried. My friend cried. My cat cried. My neighbors cried. Even people that know nothing about the game cried. I broadcasted the death scene via radio waves and when those waves find intelligent alien life (NOT ILLEGAL ALIENS) they'll cry too. The problem with her death is not that it's the most heartbreaking thing ever to have happened in the entire world, (Remember 9/11? Fuck that. Remember Aeris '97) it's that her death occurs halfway through the narrative yet she's the one who stops the major crisis of the game. She stops A GIANT METEOR. See, the meteor is symbolic of a baby and man's forceful ways (AKA THE PATRIARCHY).
Sephiroth and The Shin-Ra by extension are beautiful metaphors for THE PATRIARCHY and how men ruin everything. (I'm a male feminist btw. I'm totally on your side ladies. I won't do anything creepy, I swear. Nothing. Ever. NOPE.) The meteor is something that only Sephiroth wants and he pushes it on everybody mainly The planet. Aeris is really the only person who seems to know what Sephiroth's doing and therefore goes to The City of the Ancients to stop him. At that time...she dies. Killed by Sephiroth.(I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW) It's only after her death that the meteor is summoned. Notice how Sephiroth stabs Aeris through the lower stomach near her womb? It's symbolic of him pushing the baby out of her, thus meteor. The meteor is like the child The Planet didn't want to have, Aeris is planned parenthood, and Sephiroth is The Republican party. (Also note that Shin-Ra = Donald Drumpf aka Literally Hitler aka The Devil aka Satan's bleach blonde asshole.)
It's here that the second disk begins and holy fuck does the game suck dick at this point. (There's nothing wrong with sucking dick by the way especially if it's done in a gay way. Do it. It's June. Fuck Chick-Fil-A.) Much of the second disk is centered around the party trying to figure out how to stop Meteor, stop Sephiroth, and stop the world from being depressed because somebody didn't want to abort that baby (Metaphorically speaking). However, TOO much time is spent on Cloud and his existential crisis of realizing that he's been cosplaying as a much better character, Zack, this whole time. What really bothers me in the scenes where Cloud is comatose from his lifestream bath is that Tifa is the one who helps him. They fall into the lifestream and thus begins a painful sequence of Cloud bitching and moaning about his past and how Zack is so much cooler (I want to suck him off). They're in the lifestream yet Aeris doesn't make an appearance? Why not?! She died (STILL. CRYING.) and returned to the planet! But nooo it has to be Tifa!
Here's where I'm going to go into a tirade about why Tifa is the worst FF character and why everybody is mentally challenged (We don't say the R-word folks. That's a no no word. You should go to jail for saying it. See also: THE N-WORD. Oooooo!) for liking her so much. Tifa is probably the biggest bozo and cocktease in the entire Final Fantasy series. She leads on Cloud all the time, wears tight, skimpy clothing to show off her body. She tries to show some modesty I guess by wearing suspenders but I mean c'mon bitch your clothes are super tight around your giant tits (Implants) and ass (Probably also implants) you really need those to keep them on? Also, she calls Barret the R-word when they're climbing the Shin-Ra building (Don't use the R-word at home. It's bad. As stated above. Ooooo!) and there's no excuse for using that word. EVER. You're a trash person for using it and so is Tifa. Also Cloud is totally gay for Barret, however, because the game is Japanese and didn't come out in CURRENT YEAR that aspect of his character is more ambiguous than it should be and gives the implication that Cloud wants to go the bone zone with Tifa. (The PS4 and steam achievements of the game have one for going on a date with Barret. Achievements = Canon.) She's nothing but a whore. An attention whore. Her act of caring for others is nothing more than a charade for wanting attention from somebody because she never got her hero in armor when she needed it most. She desperately clings onto who ever will give her attention, even kids (In Advent Children it's implied that she's a pedophile). What's funny is her whore-mongering is not self-contained. She is frequently quoted as many gamers' first "game crush" (Mine was Impa from Ocarina of Time) with many of them saying their favorite semen encrusted body pillow is Tifa (Cocktease) Lockhart.
Tirade aside, the lifestream segment would have been beautiful with Aeris instead. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, Cloud is totally gay. 100% And this is where Aeris' sexuality would come into focus as well. It would have been such a beautiful moment where both characters realize they are homosexual and begin to process this realization. Cloud goes on about how he felt great dressing as a woman and thinking about being in a relationship with Barret. A relationship where he would be a "housewife" to Barret, taking care of Marlene. It would also help ease the confusion Marlene would have at not being the same color as her "Dad" (Barret murdered her real dad in a awful display of toxic masculinity) and help her not to become disillusioned later in life and culturally appropriating black culture. Getting back to Aeris, she would come to terms with her sexual attraction to women, and to say fuck it to the patriarchy she would untie her hair, cut it, and then dye it blue. Then her and Cloud, confident in their newfound sexualality, (Because where you want to stick your dick/lady bits is a more important character trait than a real personality. IT'S SO FUCKING BRAVE! See also: Best character in Dragon Age: Dorian.) erupt from the lifestream with the rainbow behind them.
This is where the second disc would be fixed. Instead of Cloud or Cid (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THIS CHAUVINISTIC FUCK) being the leader it would blue haired Aeris spreading hope throughout the world and chanting, "THE FUTURE IS FEMALE!". I'd have it so the Turks would have a bigger part, mostly for Elena. Elena would think Aeris looks hot and they would discover feelings for each other and then scissor. (You think Aeris would shack up with Tifa? That human pile of GARBAGE?) Elena would become a new party member so you could have an all female party (In case you didn't get Yuffie aka Female Naruto aka Jailbait aka I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 16 STOP BEATING ME OFFICER). Then for the final assault Aeris would be the the one to say let's mosey and they defeat Sephiroth thus being able to unleash holy from the Northern Vaginal Crater. Women save the world AGAIN from evil men as how every story should be. (Seriously. Male feminist here. I'm really, totally, absolutely, 100% on your side. Not saying any of this to score points for pussy. Nope. Not at all.)
So as you can see this is but a glimpse of why Aeris as the main character would make this a stronger narrative. Cloud is a weak main character (Also a guy. Ugh. MALE FEMINIST BTW.) but I like the subtle gay undertones his character has that I'm totally not reaching for at all. I mean c'mon how many main characters in Final Fantasy are women? Lightning? Terra? Uhh...yeah see! Barely any! Don't get me started on Final Fantasy 12 and how it's bullshit that Vaan STOLE the main character position from Ashe. That is the most sexist game in the whole series and I refuse to play it. Anyways, this has been my very real, not sarcastic and satirical hot take.
Oh yeah and Aeris should be black because there aren't enough blacks in Final Fantasy and all ancient people came from Africa and Aeris is an ancient so therefore the game must imitate real life so she should be black or something. I dunno. I don't care to go through the mental gymnastics to make that one work. Fuck it. I'm getting drunk.
! Dammit Nyx! Well him, and Crowe. I adore the hell out of her. Too bad they...nah I wont' say
